Diary of a Divorce
Posted in Nourishment for the Spirit » Kathy's Blog on Sunday, November 25, 2012

 

I’m not sure exactly why I felt the need to write what is essentially, a blog, about divorce.  I’m certainly not a writer, as will be evident with some likely grammatical errors.  Nor, am I a wanna-be author.  Plus, it seems blogs are, if not a bit cliché, just an outlet for dealing with some unresolved issues or emotions.   I’ve typically dealt with those issues or emotions with some Grey Goose but since it’s 7 o’clock in the morning and I couldn’t lay in bed any longer with the millions of thoughts going through my head, I figured I’d just hit the lap top.

Perhaps I was inspired by a friend who recently struggled with the decision of  asking for a divorce after 20 years of  marriage.   She’s one of SO many I have known in the last couple of years to either ask for a divorce or contemplate one.   It seems to be a frickin’ epidemic now!   Since I literally went ‘public’ with my divorce in 2010, I can’t help but wonder if I was the motivation for them!  OMG how bad is that?!   I’ve become the “Oprah” of divorce…..the girlfriend everyone talks to for advice, opinions, help.  I’ve had numerous friends open up and tell me their story.

And the story seems to be the same with so many of them.  We grew apart.  We became more like roommates than husband and wife (sorry… I’m not a fan of the word ‘lover’)  and this one may be harsh, but, since we’re being so candid……I couldn’t bear the thought of him touching me anymore.  Many of them hadn’t been intimate with their husband for years and on the rare occasion they were, it was ‘obligatory’.    Yeah….ouch. 

I guess if this ‘blog’ is going to benefit anyone in any way, I would give the following advice based on what I’ve experienced and what I’ve seen my friends go through.

 

*NEVER take your relationship for granted.

*If you think you’ll have time for each other ‘after the kids’, you won’t make it that long….  (being happy, anyway)

*It is cliché but it’s cliché for a reason.  Relationships take WORK.  Even if you feel it’s one-sided, it’s worth the effort.  And, who knows, it may inspire your spouse to show you the same effort (tho men are typically slow to pick up on this stuff!)  J

*Make time for each other.   Just the two of you.  Make it happen.

*Do little things for each other.   Do a ‘chore’ he doesn’t enjoy doing.  Take out the garbage.   It’ll show him you care.

*Compliment each other…..daily.

*Talk to each other.  Don’t hold stuff in.  If you’re concerned about ANYTHING in your relationship, talk about it.  It will not magically go away!  It will only build and build until it explodes.

*Make eye contact when you talk.  In our world of constant distractions, it shows him you are listening…..and care.

*If you want him to show more affection, ask him.  Tell him it’s important to keep the intimacy alive.  And feel free to let him know a hug that does NOT include a boob grab or lead to sex would be nice on occasion.

*RESPECT each other. 

*Embrace their vulnerability.

*What guy wouldn’t enjoy some unexpected sexting?

 

A book that my counselor suggested has been very helpful to a lot of couples.  Even guys dig this book!  The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  You’ll be amazed.

If you’re 100% confident the relationship is over and you ask for a divorce, don’t be surprised if he is utterly shocked.  Even in situations where you think he is on the same page and wants a divorce as well (but just isn’t asking for it), he’s likely clueless….or in complete denial.  It’s like when a guy isn’t feeling well and he knows something is wrong, but he refuses to go to the doctor for fear of what he might find out…… yeah, he’s hoping it will just go away.

As for the kids, it’s the number one thing a parent thinks about when contemplating divorce.   What about the kids?   A counselor will walk you through the best way to handle divorce with your kids.   I’m not an expert so I don’t feel right about giving advice on this subject but after talking to numerous people I will share what, I personally, have found.   

The majority of the kids that grew up with parents constantly fighting, were relieved when they split.  If the parents stayed together ‘for the kids’, many of those kids were miserable, lived in fear of the next fight and never witnessed any love or affection between their parents.  It’s tough on the kids in both situations but they can be amazingly resilient. 

Through it all, we just want to know that life will be okay.   That we will be okay and our kids will be okay.  We want to be happy.   Because we all deserve ‘happily ever after’. 

 

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